Paralysis

Returning from  vacation has proven difficult.  

The funny thing is, I was ready to get back to my routine when we are on the final day of our road trip. I was EXCITED to return to our life.  As I returned to work, however, the realization that I am in a transitional period made me feel a bit uneasy.  I don’t have the tools readily accessible to deal with the discomfort of being in the NOW. Being present can offer such solace and yet such heartache. I feel the need to fill it with something.  Plans, scheduling, substances, How I Met Your Mother, anything that allows me to NUMB OUT.

I have to remember to say NO to the temptations I have at my fingertips. It’s an ongoing struggle and often I find myself to say, “Why Not?” … But that is where the paralysis comes from.  The same routine has not been serving me to the fullest degree.  I have been able to semi heartedly live my life, looking over the ledge, a brink of CHANGE.  

I realized on our trip that it is time to burst out of the semi-hearted lifestyle and jump FULL HEARTED into this world.  Even whilst working and living life as is until we have the resources to support our leap into the next phase of this life. 

I want to inspire.  Help others.  Lead a life where I am internally content.

This is my external shout out that I would like to wrangle my tendencies to seek validation in external wells instead of diving deep into my internal well that is overflowing with an untapped reservoir… But am grappling continually to release myself from this paralysis…..

Beaver Lake in Stanley Park(this is the water Lilly we discovered at Beaver Lake, Stanley Park – Vancouver B.C.) 

I chose this photo from our trip because the water Lilly or Lotus flower holds so much symbolism in the studies I have had with yoga, Buddhism and Hinduism. 

At night, the lotus flower sleeps.  At sunrise, with the waking of the sun, the lotus flower emerges to life.  Just as in nature.  Life is born, and reborn.

I want to become reborn into a new physiological makeup.  But I don’t have that option, instead I get to rise with the waking of the sun and emerge into my life consciously.  My goal for this week is to wake and take 10 minutes of silence before seeking external validation. 

SO MUCH LOVE TO ALL! 

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IronGirl 2016 Vancouver, B.C.

DSC_0855Finishing picture (August 7th, Photo Cred: Matthew Hunter) 

Standing at the computer reflecting upon the past 14 days.  My best friend and I decided to take the largest road trip either of us have ever taken in our adult lives.  The adventure began with the destination to be Vancouver, B.C. where I would participate in the second most physically challenging experience catapulted myself towards… There is a peace within knowing I am striving working on or moving toward something- end result addicted possibly. I digress.

DSC_0858My legs exhausted, heart full, and a smile glued to my face.  Love this man’s encouragement and love throughout the training and race.  (August 7th, Photo Cred: beloved Olivia (a friend we met while there) )

Having participated in the Iron Girl in 2013 added an element of comfort because I had an outline of what to expect.  However, expectations seemingly provide a false sense of comfort. 

I found myself in complete awe; the intimate Iron Man community who had worked so hard to make this Iron Girl event a possibility in Western Canada.  The Iron Man team busted their asses and made it an amazing experience.  I was completely unaware of what layers of self I would shed as I participated in this event for 1 hour 58 minutes and 2 seconds.  Laughter, sweat, and tears were my constant friends along for the ride.  Especially during the grueling 1 hour and 1 minute 20 kilometer painful bike ride.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a fantastic view of Vancouver BC but I was unaware that it would be 4 solid miles of an incline beyond what I had trained for.  (mental note for better planning next time)… It challenged the belief I had in myself.  Sometimes I wonder if I do have belief because I felt my default self talk to be far more negative than I would ever say to my worst enemy.  As my body carried me fully on this journey, I slowly saw this as an opportunity to shed that layer of my old self.  To instead speak gently to myself as I would a friend who needed encouragement and support.  I had the physical ability to push through if I could positively promise that I will always be my own friend.  And that allowed tears of pent up self rage and regret to shed out of my eyes, my pores, and push my bike ride that much further.  

As I saw the transition spot in sight, I glided off that rented bike (albeit precariously, I say glide but it’s a relative description) … another learning lesson.  Renting a bike is difficult when you aren’t familiar with it!!!

DSC_0849Photo Cred: Matthew Hunter 

I realize that I only have 3.2 miles left of this race.  Time to really come to terms with me, myself, and the I that have battled in disharmony.  The run was fantastic and I will never be able to fully express the gratitude I have towards Matt for standing by and cheering me on through the entire race.  I saw him between each portion and the love in his eyes warmed my cold body from the swim and not so warm weather.

It’s taken years to get to an unactivated state emotionally.  Each trial and tribulation and success require the darker times before the dawn hits. When it’s observed rather than acted upon, life flows smoothly.  As smoothly as anything flows.

DSC_0004Second to last night on our road trip. More to come!
Location:Double Arrow Lodge Seeley, Lake Montana Photo Cred: Matthew Hunter 

I have a tribe of wonderful people who I give thanks for each and every day.  Often hour by hour.  I love you all.

Iron Girl Vancouver B.C.

Be Bold With Buttonwillow

Bike Rental – AMAZING EXPERIENCE! Highly recommend going to Reckless Bikes
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