Paralysis

Returning from  vacation has proven difficult.  

The funny thing is, I was ready to get back to my routine when we are on the final day of our road trip. I was EXCITED to return to our life.  As I returned to work, however, the realization that I am in a transitional period made me feel a bit uneasy.  I don’t have the tools readily accessible to deal with the discomfort of being in the NOW. Being present can offer such solace and yet such heartache. I feel the need to fill it with something.  Plans, scheduling, substances, How I Met Your Mother, anything that allows me to NUMB OUT.

I have to remember to say NO to the temptations I have at my fingertips. It’s an ongoing struggle and often I find myself to say, “Why Not?” … But that is where the paralysis comes from.  The same routine has not been serving me to the fullest degree.  I have been able to semi heartedly live my life, looking over the ledge, a brink of CHANGE.  

I realized on our trip that it is time to burst out of the semi-hearted lifestyle and jump FULL HEARTED into this world.  Even whilst working and living life as is until we have the resources to support our leap into the next phase of this life. 

I want to inspire.  Help others.  Lead a life where I am internally content.

This is my external shout out that I would like to wrangle my tendencies to seek validation in external wells instead of diving deep into my internal well that is overflowing with an untapped reservoir… But am grappling continually to release myself from this paralysis…..

Beaver Lake in Stanley Park(this is the water Lilly we discovered at Beaver Lake, Stanley Park – Vancouver B.C.) 

I chose this photo from our trip because the water Lilly or Lotus flower holds so much symbolism in the studies I have had with yoga, Buddhism and Hinduism. 

At night, the lotus flower sleeps.  At sunrise, with the waking of the sun, the lotus flower emerges to life.  Just as in nature.  Life is born, and reborn.

I want to become reborn into a new physiological makeup.  But I don’t have that option, instead I get to rise with the waking of the sun and emerge into my life consciously.  My goal for this week is to wake and take 10 minutes of silence before seeking external validation. 

SO MUCH LOVE TO ALL! 

Ode to the holidays…and family

“Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” ~Paul Pearshall

Seaside Oregon

A weekend away with the family.  Unbeknownst to me would unveil an infinite abyss of insecurity, worry of judgement, and anxiety.  As much fun as it was, I honestly felt more anxiety than anything.  I know these people love me wholeheartedly but there is nothing more jagged than harsh words from those that are supposed to be the closest to us.  Maybe that is why the words are harshest.  It’s like there is a knowing, on a deeper level, that this isn’t personal and isn’t anything about me.  But at the same time, it’s aggravating and disappointing when there is no escape from the caustic judgement that seemed to evade the pleasantries exchanged.  I love my sisters so deeply but there is nothing more rough than feeling like an “outsider”.  Their mom is not my mom.  I realize that.  There is a depth of knowing within me that was revealed and raw emotions poured out of me.  My sister who knows me best is leaving Oregon soon.  And I realize that it is time to surrender.  I don’t have to continually put myself in these situations.

I do not want to take them for granted and I often question the reality I am seeing.  It’s through my lens, my filter of life, and that is not the same as anyone else.  So with that, I must realize and accept those around me.  With love and light, I bless the weekend and was able to witness this amazing sunset.