An opportunity to give thanks

As we embark upon the week of Thanksgiving, I found myself counting my blessings extra last night. As I was writing my Thanksgiving/Holiday cards, I found myself getting caught in the topical aspect of my holiday cards.  I took a deep breath, set my pen down, and genuinely began thinking about each person or couple I was writing.  Giving each of them my love through written word.  As our life goes on, the people who mean the most to us may not be in our lives day in and day out.  These little cards are a nice addition to let our loved ones know how much they are truly loved.

This has been a rough past month.  I’ve realized when I am at my most angst ridden emotionally, I truly need to release and live in the deeper emotions I have been trying to escape.  

As this year comes to a close, I am fully preparing myself for a 365 social experiment. For one whole year, I am choosing to take space from substances completely. I have been really working towards moderation and have been successful.  However, I want to change my habits by reestablishing my psychological pathways.  I just purchased a Daily Affirmation book that will help me work with my Inner Child.  See below for the book, does anyone want to join me on this?  I am vowing to write a blog entry each and every day for 2017.  I am holding myself accountable.

Rokelle Lerner

Order Book Here

2017: A majestic year for a reemergence of Unconditional Acceptance and Unicorn Love

1.) Each day I vow to awake and write at 6:30 a.m.

2.) I will spend my time creating instead of consuming

3.) Fulfillment will be sought out through volunteering, adventuring, and participating in lots of active events. 

More to come… I would like to use music, writing, yoga, creativity, and reading as my healing tools to find myself again. I need to become clear in who I am so I can begin figuring out what I want from this life. 

So much love to you all out there! #lovetrumpshate! 



Objectifying Sex… a habitual pattern from within

Objectifiction project 2

Societal pressures have made me personally realize how I have objectified myself sexually.  From a young age, I was under the impression my body was to be adored.  That is how I sought out validation for years.  Too many years.  It has made me cold.  I love having SEX.  But I am not so sure about the intimate parts of myself let alone connecting with another person on an intimate level.  It has always been physical, passionate, and empty.

Here I am.  In the healthiest relationship I have ever witnessed, let alone experienced before.  I am frustrated beyond any experience I have had.  It isn’t the heart strung out, cold sweats, fight or flight battle.  It is a frustration and a new need deep within myself that I do not know how to do or how to give myself openly to my partners as he does for me.

I need the physical love to feel validated and adored.  He shows me in so many other ways, he listens to me, we communicate openly, we laugh, we have an amazing relationship full of the ups and downs.  Right now, I feel down.  I feel inferior, unable to please and be pleased. He does not need the physical intimacy as often as I do because he is satisfied by our intellectual and emotional connection.  I am openly emotional yet lack the intimacy once it turns to sex.  I shut down, I turn off, it’s a transition into my need to please him.  To turn him on, to not put anything of myself first.  I am the person who objectifies myself.

Objectification Project

I turn mechanical, cold, and shut down.  Maybe it’s the trauma from my past, the guilt I feel for all the filthy things that I used to engage in at a young age.  Not aware of what was truly being affected within my intuition, my love for myself, the lack of respect or regard I had shown for myself as well as others.  I have shorted myself for so long, I no longer understand the intimacy that goes along with the act of sex.  Or making love.  Or fucking.  Whatever the choice is… I read a book by Kerry Cohen called “Loose, A memoir of Promiscuity”… It left an immense impact on me. I read it when I was 26 and again when I was 27.

I began my journey into self regard, respect, and love when I was 28.  It began slowly but I knew it was what I needed.  Then BAM! I was hit over the head with an immensely shameful, objectifying, emotionally destroying relationship with a porn addict.  This is indicative to my childhood and those father figures I have.  It is a way of life for many.  I broke free of those shackles 9 months after and have not looked back.  Age 29 to current has been the most intense time in my life. I suffered a date rape in September and have been trying to piece myself together since that point.  I have shed those who do not serve me, those who were participants in the situation, including myself under the influence of substances.  It has taken me 13 years to realize what I have done to myself.  13 years and an amazing counselor, support of great friends, and an amazing man who loves me unconditionally.  Now… Back to the point, when will I heal from this trauma?  Where do I begin?  How do I connect?

I understand these questions cannot be answered immediately and will ebb and flow through this growing process.  All I know right now is, the article above has given me a lot to chew on.  A lot to consider regarding the intimacy I want to have with my amazing partner.

With that, I appreciate the perspective I have now. I am not a victim.  I take ownership and responsibility for these actions.  I used substances for far too long to numb myself from the pain as well as allow the physical connection to be masked as healthy.  I am now on the way to healing with an amazing man by my side.

Love to anyone who can relate to me.  ~Buttonwillow