An opportunity to give thanks

As we embark upon the week of Thanksgiving, I found myself counting my blessings extra last night. As I was writing my Thanksgiving/Holiday cards, I found myself getting caught in the topical aspect of my holiday cards.  I took a deep breath, set my pen down, and genuinely began thinking about each person or couple I was writing.  Giving each of them my love through written word.  As our life goes on, the people who mean the most to us may not be in our lives day in and day out.  These little cards are a nice addition to let our loved ones know how much they are truly loved.

This has been a rough past month.  I’ve realized when I am at my most angst ridden emotionally, I truly need to release and live in the deeper emotions I have been trying to escape.  

As this year comes to a close, I am fully preparing myself for a 365 social experiment. For one whole year, I am choosing to take space from substances completely. I have been really working towards moderation and have been successful.  However, I want to change my habits by reestablishing my psychological pathways.  I just purchased a Daily Affirmation book that will help me work with my Inner Child.  See below for the book, does anyone want to join me on this?  I am vowing to write a blog entry each and every day for 2017.  I am holding myself accountable.

Rokelle Lerner

Order Book Here

2017: A majestic year for a reemergence of Unconditional Acceptance and Unicorn Love

1.) Each day I vow to awake and write at 6:30 a.m.

2.) I will spend my time creating instead of consuming

3.) Fulfillment will be sought out through volunteering, adventuring, and participating in lots of active events. 

More to come… I would like to use music, writing, yoga, creativity, and reading as my healing tools to find myself again. I need to become clear in who I am so I can begin figuring out what I want from this life. 

So much love to you all out there! #lovetrumpshate! 




Returning from  vacation has proven difficult.  

The funny thing is, I was ready to get back to my routine when we are on the final day of our road trip. I was EXCITED to return to our life.  As I returned to work, however, the realization that I am in a transitional period made me feel a bit uneasy.  I don’t have the tools readily accessible to deal with the discomfort of being in the NOW. Being present can offer such solace and yet such heartache. I feel the need to fill it with something.  Plans, scheduling, substances, How I Met Your Mother, anything that allows me to NUMB OUT.

I have to remember to say NO to the temptations I have at my fingertips. It’s an ongoing struggle and often I find myself to say, “Why Not?” … But that is where the paralysis comes from.  The same routine has not been serving me to the fullest degree.  I have been able to semi heartedly live my life, looking over the ledge, a brink of CHANGE.  

I realized on our trip that it is time to burst out of the semi-hearted lifestyle and jump FULL HEARTED into this world.  Even whilst working and living life as is until we have the resources to support our leap into the next phase of this life. 

I want to inspire.  Help others.  Lead a life where I am internally content.

This is my external shout out that I would like to wrangle my tendencies to seek validation in external wells instead of diving deep into my internal well that is overflowing with an untapped reservoir… But am grappling continually to release myself from this paralysis…..

Beaver Lake in Stanley Park(this is the water Lilly we discovered at Beaver Lake, Stanley Park – Vancouver B.C.) 

I chose this photo from our trip because the water Lilly or Lotus flower holds so much symbolism in the studies I have had with yoga, Buddhism and Hinduism. 

At night, the lotus flower sleeps.  At sunrise, with the waking of the sun, the lotus flower emerges to life.  Just as in nature.  Life is born, and reborn.

I want to become reborn into a new physiological makeup.  But I don’t have that option, instead I get to rise with the waking of the sun and emerge into my life consciously.  My goal for this week is to wake and take 10 minutes of silence before seeking external validation. 


IronGirl 2016 Vancouver, B.C.

DSC_0855Finishing picture (August 7th, Photo Cred: Matthew Hunter) 

Standing at the computer reflecting upon the past 14 days.  My best friend and I decided to take the largest road trip either of us have ever taken in our adult lives.  The adventure began with the destination to be Vancouver, B.C. where I would participate in the second most physically challenging experience catapulted myself towards… There is a peace within knowing I am striving working on or moving toward something- end result addicted possibly. I digress.

DSC_0858My legs exhausted, heart full, and a smile glued to my face.  Love this man’s encouragement and love throughout the training and race.  (August 7th, Photo Cred: beloved Olivia (a friend we met while there) )

Having participated in the Iron Girl in 2013 added an element of comfort because I had an outline of what to expect.  However, expectations seemingly provide a false sense of comfort. 

I found myself in complete awe; the intimate Iron Man community who had worked so hard to make this Iron Girl event a possibility in Western Canada.  The Iron Man team busted their asses and made it an amazing experience.  I was completely unaware of what layers of self I would shed as I participated in this event for 1 hour 58 minutes and 2 seconds.  Laughter, sweat, and tears were my constant friends along for the ride.  Especially during the grueling 1 hour and 1 minute 20 kilometer painful bike ride.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a fantastic view of Vancouver BC but I was unaware that it would be 4 solid miles of an incline beyond what I had trained for.  (mental note for better planning next time)… It challenged the belief I had in myself.  Sometimes I wonder if I do have belief because I felt my default self talk to be far more negative than I would ever say to my worst enemy.  As my body carried me fully on this journey, I slowly saw this as an opportunity to shed that layer of my old self.  To instead speak gently to myself as I would a friend who needed encouragement and support.  I had the physical ability to push through if I could positively promise that I will always be my own friend.  And that allowed tears of pent up self rage and regret to shed out of my eyes, my pores, and push my bike ride that much further.  

As I saw the transition spot in sight, I glided off that rented bike (albeit precariously, I say glide but it’s a relative description) … another learning lesson.  Renting a bike is difficult when you aren’t familiar with it!!!

DSC_0849Photo Cred: Matthew Hunter 

I realize that I only have 3.2 miles left of this race.  Time to really come to terms with me, myself, and the I that have battled in disharmony.  The run was fantastic and I will never be able to fully express the gratitude I have towards Matt for standing by and cheering me on through the entire race.  I saw him between each portion and the love in his eyes warmed my cold body from the swim and not so warm weather.

It’s taken years to get to an unactivated state emotionally.  Each trial and tribulation and success require the darker times before the dawn hits. When it’s observed rather than acted upon, life flows smoothly.  As smoothly as anything flows.

DSC_0004Second to last night on our road trip. More to come!
Location:Double Arrow Lodge Seeley, Lake Montana Photo Cred: Matthew Hunter 

I have a tribe of wonderful people who I give thanks for each and every day.  Often hour by hour.  I love you all.

Iron Girl Vancouver B.C.

Be Bold With Buttonwillow

Bike Rental – AMAZING EXPERIENCE! Highly recommend going to Reckless Bikes
Reckless Bike Rental

Ode to the holidays…and family

“Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” ~Paul Pearshall

Seaside Oregon

A weekend away with the family.  Unbeknownst to me would unveil an infinite abyss of insecurity, worry of judgement, and anxiety.  As much fun as it was, I honestly felt more anxiety than anything.  I know these people love me wholeheartedly but there is nothing more jagged than harsh words from those that are supposed to be the closest to us.  Maybe that is why the words are harshest.  It’s like there is a knowing, on a deeper level, that this isn’t personal and isn’t anything about me.  But at the same time, it’s aggravating and disappointing when there is no escape from the caustic judgement that seemed to evade the pleasantries exchanged.  I love my sisters so deeply but there is nothing more rough than feeling like an “outsider”.  Their mom is not my mom.  I realize that.  There is a depth of knowing within me that was revealed and raw emotions poured out of me.  My sister who knows me best is leaving Oregon soon.  And I realize that it is time to surrender.  I don’t have to continually put myself in these situations.

I do not want to take them for granted and I often question the reality I am seeing.  It’s through my lens, my filter of life, and that is not the same as anyone else.  So with that, I must realize and accept those around me.  With love and light, I bless the weekend and was able to witness this amazing sunset.