Returning from  vacation has proven difficult.  

The funny thing is, I was ready to get back to my routine when we are on the final day of our road trip. I was EXCITED to return to our life.  As I returned to work, however, the realization that I am in a transitional period made me feel a bit uneasy.  I don’t have the tools readily accessible to deal with the discomfort of being in the NOW. Being present can offer such solace and yet such heartache. I feel the need to fill it with something.  Plans, scheduling, substances, How I Met Your Mother, anything that allows me to NUMB OUT.

I have to remember to say NO to the temptations I have at my fingertips. It’s an ongoing struggle and often I find myself to say, “Why Not?” … But that is where the paralysis comes from.  The same routine has not been serving me to the fullest degree.  I have been able to semi heartedly live my life, looking over the ledge, a brink of CHANGE.  

I realized on our trip that it is time to burst out of the semi-hearted lifestyle and jump FULL HEARTED into this world.  Even whilst working and living life as is until we have the resources to support our leap into the next phase of this life. 

I want to inspire.  Help others.  Lead a life where I am internally content.

This is my external shout out that I would like to wrangle my tendencies to seek validation in external wells instead of diving deep into my internal well that is overflowing with an untapped reservoir… But am grappling continually to release myself from this paralysis…..

Beaver Lake in Stanley Park(this is the water Lilly we discovered at Beaver Lake, Stanley Park – Vancouver B.C.) 

I chose this photo from our trip because the water Lilly or Lotus flower holds so much symbolism in the studies I have had with yoga, Buddhism and Hinduism. 

At night, the lotus flower sleeps.  At sunrise, with the waking of the sun, the lotus flower emerges to life.  Just as in nature.  Life is born, and reborn.

I want to become reborn into a new physiological makeup.  But I don’t have that option, instead I get to rise with the waking of the sun and emerge into my life consciously.  My goal for this week is to wake and take 10 minutes of silence before seeking external validation. 



Objectifying Sex… a habitual pattern from within

Objectifiction project 2

Societal pressures have made me personally realize how I have objectified myself sexually.  From a young age, I was under the impression my body was to be adored.  That is how I sought out validation for years.  Too many years.  It has made me cold.  I love having SEX.  But I am not so sure about the intimate parts of myself let alone connecting with another person on an intimate level.  It has always been physical, passionate, and empty.

Here I am.  In the healthiest relationship I have ever witnessed, let alone experienced before.  I am frustrated beyond any experience I have had.  It isn’t the heart strung out, cold sweats, fight or flight battle.  It is a frustration and a new need deep within myself that I do not know how to do or how to give myself openly to my partners as he does for me.

I need the physical love to feel validated and adored.  He shows me in so many other ways, he listens to me, we communicate openly, we laugh, we have an amazing relationship full of the ups and downs.  Right now, I feel down.  I feel inferior, unable to please and be pleased. He does not need the physical intimacy as often as I do because he is satisfied by our intellectual and emotional connection.  I am openly emotional yet lack the intimacy once it turns to sex.  I shut down, I turn off, it’s a transition into my need to please him.  To turn him on, to not put anything of myself first.  I am the person who objectifies myself.

Objectification Project

I turn mechanical, cold, and shut down.  Maybe it’s the trauma from my past, the guilt I feel for all the filthy things that I used to engage in at a young age.  Not aware of what was truly being affected within my intuition, my love for myself, the lack of respect or regard I had shown for myself as well as others.  I have shorted myself for so long, I no longer understand the intimacy that goes along with the act of sex.  Or making love.  Or fucking.  Whatever the choice is… I read a book by Kerry Cohen called “Loose, A memoir of Promiscuity”… It left an immense impact on me. I read it when I was 26 and again when I was 27.

I began my journey into self regard, respect, and love when I was 28.  It began slowly but I knew it was what I needed.  Then BAM! I was hit over the head with an immensely shameful, objectifying, emotionally destroying relationship with a porn addict.  This is indicative to my childhood and those father figures I have.  It is a way of life for many.  I broke free of those shackles 9 months after and have not looked back.  Age 29 to current has been the most intense time in my life. I suffered a date rape in September and have been trying to piece myself together since that point.  I have shed those who do not serve me, those who were participants in the situation, including myself under the influence of substances.  It has taken me 13 years to realize what I have done to myself.  13 years and an amazing counselor, support of great friends, and an amazing man who loves me unconditionally.  Now… Back to the point, when will I heal from this trauma?  Where do I begin?  How do I connect?

I understand these questions cannot be answered immediately and will ebb and flow through this growing process.  All I know right now is, the article above has given me a lot to chew on.  A lot to consider regarding the intimacy I want to have with my amazing partner.

With that, I appreciate the perspective I have now. I am not a victim.  I take ownership and responsibility for these actions.  I used substances for far too long to numb myself from the pain as well as allow the physical connection to be masked as healthy.  I am now on the way to healing with an amazing man by my side.

Love to anyone who can relate to me.  ~Buttonwillow