11 year in the industry- ties severed

Holy FUCK!!! Guess what? I just resigned from my job.  Extenuating circumstances caused me to leap beyond my comfort zone. And I am freaked the fuck out.

I feel as if I have a whirlwind of swifts flying within my sternum. The time has come to move forward into the unknown with a head held high and removing layers of stigma, expectation, and judgement.

How many of us live our lives for others? Where does this intrinsic need for external validation come from? I did not realize how much of my “identity” has been held to the “prestige” of my career and the industry I was working within. I find it ironic that I carried out the mission to a point where I was licensed, trading on the exchange, and managing an office.  And all for what?  To pay down my school loans for an education in a field I am not in.  When did, these hopes go askew? Were they ever fully focused or have I slept walked for 32 ½ years of my life?

Division… it’s an issue that lies deeply within. I’ve lived my whole life divided.  Two families, two different expectations and value systems: I WANT UNITY, I want to love and respect those that do not believe in the same things. I want to love and not be driven by FEAR. As long as I can remember I have identified and made decisions based off of my fear.  I have let it drive me and for once I could not allow myself to be demeaned any longer.  It has been a long-time coming….




Let’s just say I have fallen into a deep dark sadness in the past 6 weeks. It’s a sadness with such depth it’s truly palpable when I try to pretend I am just “fine”… Truth is, I don’t know what is happening but I feel as if I am in some sort of storm.  The reckoning, if you will.

Last night we decided to soothe the dis-ease with some good ol’ comedy.  We bundled up and ventured out to catch the bus in the 1 inch snow storm that seriously debilitated the city.  This storm descended upon Portland on Wednesday and that 1 inch of snow turned to icy which made Thursday and Friday an ice skating rink essentially… We hopped on bus #14 to Helium Comedy and laughed our asses off listening to some great performers! The headliner was Nikki Glaser and the opening was Tom Brady.  Each of these comedians have appeared on Doug Loves Movies with Doug Benson.  I will put their information in the bottom of the post.

The comedy show is in an open space that has the draft effect similar to an uninsulated upstairs apartment on top of a garage.  We were thankful to have bundled as I stayed fully bundled the entire show.  As we got out of the show, we made our way to the bus stop, Trimet informed us we had a 20 minute wait and I began bitching immediately.  Then I decided to check the live feed of bus arrivals and we find out it’s actually 45 minutes because there is a bus that is stuck.

We sought out some warmth at the lovely Jolly Roger (SE) and asked them for hot water to put in our to go mug, we ponied up to the bar, Matt had a nice yummy dark beer, and we began our mission.  And such a beautiful walk it was.  It was the medicine that soothed the sadness. As we began walking on Hawthorne Bridge, we noticed there were Christmas Ships circling the SW Waterfront.  It was subtle but slowly this realization crept through me, if I let go of an agenda or sense of control, the night will unfold quite impeccably.

It happened again yesterday when we went to volunteer at the Oregon Food Bank for a dear friend of ours birthday.  We realized the bus ride was going to be 58 minutes and given the events of the night before, my faith in Trimet’s efficiency was reticent at best.  I text my friend Katie, the beautiful soul that she is, read between the lines of my passive yet distressed text and asked, “if you get somewhere near a max line, I can totally swoop you and we can drive there together”…. I called her immediately and said, “I don’t know why I couldn’t just come out and ask you. But that sounds perfect.” So we made our way to Hollywood Trader Joe’s, did some pre volunteering shopping, and set off.

What an amazing day.  Oregon Food Bank needs more volunteers around May-July or August.  They often have many volunteers in the fall – below is a video of our host explaining to us an attestation of someone who has received food from these efforts:

Oregon Food Bank Presentation

As a cumulative group of 99 people at the Oregon Food bank from 1-3:30, we did the following:

1.) Total bagging 39,799 lbs

2.) 1.4 lbs per person = 19,375 people

3.) each volunteer fed 274 people!

It was a wonderful day of meeting lots of people outside the birthday party too!


Afterward we celebrated our afternoon success with a visit to  Oregon Public House (first not for profit brew pub).


I hope you all have had a wonderful weekend. I love you! Happy Holidays, keep your smiles bright and your hearts open!



Oregon Food Bank

Doug Loves Movies – Nikki Glaser and Tom Brady

TomABrady Tumblr

Nikki Glaser



An opportunity to give thanks

As we embark upon the week of Thanksgiving, I found myself counting my blessings extra last night. As I was writing my Thanksgiving/Holiday cards, I found myself getting caught in the topical aspect of my holiday cards.  I took a deep breath, set my pen down, and genuinely began thinking about each person or couple I was writing.  Giving each of them my love through written word.  As our life goes on, the people who mean the most to us may not be in our lives day in and day out.  These little cards are a nice addition to let our loved ones know how much they are truly loved.

This has been a rough past month.  I’ve realized when I am at my most angst ridden emotionally, I truly need to release and live in the deeper emotions I have been trying to escape.  

As this year comes to a close, I am fully preparing myself for a 365 social experiment. For one whole year, I am choosing to take space from substances completely. I have been really working towards moderation and have been successful.  However, I want to change my habits by reestablishing my psychological pathways.  I just purchased a Daily Affirmation book that will help me work with my Inner Child.  See below for the book, does anyone want to join me on this?  I am vowing to write a blog entry each and every day for 2017.  I am holding myself accountable.

Rokelle Lerner

Order Book Here

2017: A majestic year for a reemergence of Unconditional Acceptance and Unicorn Love

1.) Each day I vow to awake and write at 6:30 a.m.

2.) I will spend my time creating instead of consuming

3.) Fulfillment will be sought out through volunteering, adventuring, and participating in lots of active events. 

More to come… I would like to use music, writing, yoga, creativity, and reading as my healing tools to find myself again. I need to become clear in who I am so I can begin figuring out what I want from this life. 

So much love to you all out there! #lovetrumpshate! 


Bone broth to soothe the uneasy soul

Man oh man… I awoke in another frenzy this morning.  And when I say frenzy, I truly mean an agitated state upon opening my eyes.  My tummy was in knots, I was dry mouthed, and my heart was racing… Tis’ another morning that I have awoken in this state.bone-broth

I am frustrated with things right now because I feel uneasy yet am unsure as to what to attribute this feeling to.  I guess it’s just the lesson at hand, be patient… Be patient and watch the uneasiness without attaching judgement or any sort of association to it.  It’s almost as if I need to envision the depth of that feeling as clouds passing over. Do not pull out the umbrella quite yet, you are not going to melt if there is rain.

Anyway, I begrudgingly left my warm cozy spot in bed, hopped in the shower, packed my lunch, and off to work I go…

I sit here sipping my bone broth reading so many different articles and sources with conflicting information on whether the Bone Broth Hype is real… All I know is that it adds something soothing, nutritious, and warm as I start the day.

Dr Axe Endorses Bone Broth

NPR’s Analysis of Bone Broth February 2015

Happy Tuesday all! Anyone have any insight or feedback on bone broth?



Stormy weekend in PACNW

Exhaustion set in on Friday.  The end of the work week, a much anticipated storm which had already hit the Oregon Coast. And was looming towards Portland.  The media had a field day with the impending storm to hit … so the weekends plans were cancelled so all could stay in and nurture themselves as well as be safe…

Saturday morning my love and I slept in until 11!!! For those of you who know me, this is far from the norm. I am usually up at the sunrise and ready to frolic (much to my love’s chagrin) We live in a 571 square foot home and are easily awoken by one another.

The storm had yet to show itself in the valley by about 1 p.m.  We decided to set out on an adventure to our local amazing meat shop, Gartners (link below), the craft store, and finally finishing up at Costco.

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We arrived home in time for the storm to show itself (slightly, might I add)… We had lots of wind and rain but it wasn’t as bad as what the coast had experienced the previous day (thank goodness!)…

Saturday I decided to try and make a trial homemade organic candle with my favorite Holiday Joy essential oils.  I think this is going to be a good idea for Christmas gifts.  We bought some marrow bones from Gartners to make bone broth on Sunday.  We decided to also make pulled pork.  It was a productive weekend and full of fun activities and lots of rest.

P.S.- have you read Girl on the Train?!?! I happened to start that Saturday evening and was finished by Sunday afternoon! It was a fantastic read!

Girl on the Train -Goodreads

Follow Me Here on Goodreads

Gartners Meats


Returning from  vacation has proven difficult.  

The funny thing is, I was ready to get back to my routine when we are on the final day of our road trip. I was EXCITED to return to our life.  As I returned to work, however, the realization that I am in a transitional period made me feel a bit uneasy.  I don’t have the tools readily accessible to deal with the discomfort of being in the NOW. Being present can offer such solace and yet such heartache. I feel the need to fill it with something.  Plans, scheduling, substances, How I Met Your Mother, anything that allows me to NUMB OUT.

I have to remember to say NO to the temptations I have at my fingertips. It’s an ongoing struggle and often I find myself to say, “Why Not?” … But that is where the paralysis comes from.  The same routine has not been serving me to the fullest degree.  I have been able to semi heartedly live my life, looking over the ledge, a brink of CHANGE.  

I realized on our trip that it is time to burst out of the semi-hearted lifestyle and jump FULL HEARTED into this world.  Even whilst working and living life as is until we have the resources to support our leap into the next phase of this life. 

I want to inspire.  Help others.  Lead a life where I am internally content.

This is my external shout out that I would like to wrangle my tendencies to seek validation in external wells instead of diving deep into my internal well that is overflowing with an untapped reservoir… But am grappling continually to release myself from this paralysis…..

Beaver Lake in Stanley Park(this is the water Lilly we discovered at Beaver Lake, Stanley Park – Vancouver B.C.) 

I chose this photo from our trip because the water Lilly or Lotus flower holds so much symbolism in the studies I have had with yoga, Buddhism and Hinduism. 

At night, the lotus flower sleeps.  At sunrise, with the waking of the sun, the lotus flower emerges to life.  Just as in nature.  Life is born, and reborn.

I want to become reborn into a new physiological makeup.  But I don’t have that option, instead I get to rise with the waking of the sun and emerge into my life consciously.  My goal for this week is to wake and take 10 minutes of silence before seeking external validation.